i dont understand the reason why people have to lie. it doesnt do anything but make things worse. i have been trying not to let this little thing bother me but i really cant get it out of my mind. i want to confront her but there would just be too much drama. for someone who claims she wants a close relationship with me is surely digging herself a bigger and deeper hole. one she will have no excuse for. i know that every relationship you have will have its ups and downs. i have been married to my husband for 2 years and we had our struggles but it made us stronger once we got through them. i know that i got married young but i just dont see that theres anything different if your married or if we were still dating. i feel like we have alot to experience and alot of learning. i just dont get why my sister in law of all people would lie and say the things that she does. she is really making our relationship harder than it has to be. she claims she wants this close sisterly bond but i cant get close with her bc of all the lies and stories she makes up to other people. it just erks me to know end knowing that this whole time she has no faith of me and my husband lasting. maybe its her own insecurities with her marriage now or whatever that is causing her to have this FAKE hateful thing towards us. she wonders why we dont ever want to hangout with her or even talk to her. its bc everything that comes out of her mouth is a  lie. i really want to say something to her but i am biting my tongue until i calm down, being angry isnt going to help any. 

For some reason , the past couple of days I feel like I am not happy with whats going on with my life. I know that I have everything anyone could ask for. I dont know it feels like Im missing something but I cant put my finger on it. I am married to a wonderful man but I think my own insecurities are making things difficult for us. I want to do all these things but I dont have the motivation. I want to make everyone happy but I know I cant. I want to succeed and have a successful life. I am enjoy being married but Im also scared that since we did it so young that it wont work out.. I know that we have that bond and we are happy but Im scared. I just applied for another job to see if making more money or working hard will fill the gap but then at the same time I just dont know. I also really want to go to pharmacy school, I work as a pharmacy technician right now and its something I really want to do. Its a 6 years school choice but I know in the end it will pay off. I keep thinking about my future and I just think if I do more things idependently and had a little more support from my husband then I would be okay. My childhood wasnt that great so Im always judging myself.

I am happy, well at least i think i am. i dont know why but for some reason everytime i get to the point of where i should be in my life, like being happy starting a life. Im always waiting for something to ruin it. Like my husband, hes amazing and wonderful. He has a plan for our future but i feel like hes too good to be true. I dont know if i feel this way because im always used to getting let down by every man in my life or what. Our relationship was rocky in the beginning but whos isnt ? im just hoping this feeling goes away. Another thing is that, i dont get why sometimes he will tell me whats bothering him and other times its just like talking to a wall. I get to the point of where im so frustrated and angry that i say things i dont mean, which i know isnt right but i cant help it. I want him to know that just because were married, he doesnt have to try. I know i dont want a divorce but if he doesnt learn to communicate with me then we are going to fall apart slowly. I dont know what to do, ive tried siting down with him numerous times to talk but he either doesnt want to talk about it or just sits there in silence and makes me so mad. we just recently got a house together and im going to be moving to south carolina, im a little nervous and scared because even though i will be there with him, i will be alone. i just have alot on my mind and im hoping that all this held in anger, all the things ive repeated to him maybe sink in soon. i feel like he doesnt care about what i have to say or how i feel about things. I know that no matter what i would listen to him, try and understand anything for him. maybe im just over analyzing everything but then again, ive been down this road before, just the miscommunicating part. I dont want to get hurt, lied to, or let down ever again. im hoping that i can stick up for myself and make him understand and he agrees to try , or this is wasting my time.

lately alot of things in my life have seem to be nothing but confusion. whenever i try to figure them out im back to where im started and i feel even more lost. i know what i want out of life i just dont know how to go get. am i just suppose to wait around until it comes to me, or am i just not trying when i feel like i am. sometimes i feel like completely giving up on life, but its too hard to give up when you care so much. i just dont know how i feel anymore about anything. like going to school and working and my boyfriend. everything just seems to be going away when i thought everything was going so good.  i know that my past hasnt been the best but i know ive learned from it and its taught me alot of things about who i am and what i want. i dont want it to be brought up or talked about. its the past and its there for a reason. i believe that everybody one day just wakes up and realizes that today im going to change the way i am, or they see the world in a different view. . it takes longer for people to realize what they have and how important it is to them. i know how it feels to lose something you care for so deeply over a mistake. i just want him to see the same thing. i just dont want to have to actually to do it. ii just have that feeling whenever im with him dispite if we are fighting or just in a weird mood. thats the only thing in my life im certain i want, and thats him. maybe ill wake up one of these days and know what im going to do with my life or how im going to accomplish my goals. but right now, and lately i just havent wanted too. i know that i have a plan and a path out there and i can take it whenever im ready.

change- to become different. this word needs to be used in what is going on. i am so sick of dealing with the issues that always keep coming back around. the ones you say you would "change". im not really sure if you really know what you want. you turn to the bottle more than you turn to me. is it the fact that you think your problems will just go away that way. im sure you do. i hear the words FUCK OFF more in one day than i have in a year. i know that tomorrow you will call me and oh it will be okay. but not this time. i cant trust you or your words. i dont even think i know you anymore. is this the man i fell in love with or was i just blinded by love and i didnt really get to see who you really are. i think i was blind but today i got to see for the first time. i know nothing will change the way you are. . im not really sure how its going to be. my heart aches, i cant even trust you. . i knew that this was a bad idea. i also know that you could have invited me to the game but you chose not too. its just a simple question, do you love me ? we have been together for 2 years now and im still having to ask you this. that means there is something wrong. im so sick of writing about how hurt i am, or how your such a shitty boyfriend. i know that you are good to me when you are sober, . why does it have to be like this. i know that in the end this will just blow over and everything i have told you will be nothing but wind passing by. all i know is ive been holding these words in for so long now. so here i go.
 we need to talk.

Current Mood: disappointed

some days i just wake up in a state on confusion. what is it that im suppose to be doing? nothing is the answer but it always seems the opposite. i dont know when i begin to think or even know what im thinking about. sometimes it becomes a suprise to me. im siting here thinking about what i am looking for. do i even know how to be happy? or is it that i merely forgot in the overwhelming of stress ive been dealing with. im quite sure what i know at this moment. im in this lost world of nothing. im not sure what my outburst today was about but its something that ive been trying to bury for some time now. the sound of your voice makes the littlest of  thoughts just disappear. i question alot of things in my life and worry too much on the small details, picking at everything to make it appear different. my imagination runs wild as i listen to myself think about nonsense things. yes they could very much happen, but i choose not think like that anymore. i am here to be happy and live life without the thought of worries. i dont want to be like that, where did my strength go? unless of course i never had any and i just always thought i did. maybe something out there will come rescue me and give me the feeling ive been looking for this whole time or maybe i have this feeling already and im the one choosing not to show it. i think i know things but in reality i dont know much about anything. i continue to think of the bad parts about life instead of all the good. im drowning myself in misery instead of happiness. why is it , i always wait until things get bad before i can realize them. how am i so unaware of the things in life.?why dont i see the details right before my eyes. i smile when i see you. not because you are beautiful but because i know you could make me happy no matter what. i have alot of questions and i will always ask them. but the ones i feel are important go left unanswered. without a doubt i just leave them unanswered too and dont persue them much further. if i can learn to let things go maybe life will change, maybe not. here i go again for one moment i stop to think and it brings me to think of all the what if questions tumbling around in my head. i dont know why i think they way i do. im sure it has to do with the way i raised, which in my opinion was very bad. i dont think you inherite all your traits from your parents. but in this case im not sure if i have. yes i do believe i do things that seem outrageous and out of control. but to me that just makes me who i am, and its normal to me. my confusion makes me tired and i seem to sleep more than anything these days. i know things will change in the next week, but right now i need a drink. i have to learn to forgive people for things they choose to do. i didnt ask for any of this but unfortunalty i had to deal with it. people will always do what they want to do, it just human. so therefore i forgive, but i wont forget.

Current Location: the place.
Current Mood: lonely

well today i went to lunch with my boyfriend and i was hoping that we could talk about things but he invited his friend before i could tell him why i wanted to go to lunch. but anyway we actually had a good day and i was really happy but it still doesnt erase the fact about the past. i dont know really how to bring it up or how to say it. i mean i have stressed so many times how i feel and i just dont understand why he doesnt listen or understand. it just sucks bc i am such an emotional person and i need to hear things to believe them and feel comfortable. but today for some reason he did tell me he loved me and that i was sexy. but  i just dont know what to do about anything. im so strong but so weak at the same time. i hope that everything works and i can realize things more clearly, bc right now im just worried about being helpless. 
:( but im going to work out. if im up to it ill write more later. thank you for your help, you know who im talking about <33

Current Music: weezy

right now im sad, upset, and i just wish that he would tell me what i want to hear. tell me that everything is better now, and that you love me more than anything. just like i love you more than anything. why does it feel like your so distant, ive always thought that you were so happy. what happened? was it me or is it just that you crave attention and im just not enough. you have no idea how much pain ive had to go through. why is it that i feel so alone when im with you. thats not how its suppose to be. i miss you, i want the old you back. i want the one who was happy to see and talk to me. i want the person who would do sweet things for me when i was sad. i wish you would listen when something is bothering me instead of blowing it off like its suppose to help. you are there for your friends and would listen to them. why is it that i cant get 20 minutes of you just listening when i want to talk to you. you have always been there for me, but where are you now? you left and i didnt have any idea until now. what am i suppose to do when i dont feel like we even have a relationship anymore. you dont tell me i look beautiful, or that your happy only when i say it you say it back. you dont tell me out of the blue that you love me, or just the fact that your thinking of me. im in love with you, and your not. i know your not. dont tell me your bullshit saying that its just not you. you used to tell me those things. why is it different now. i dont even know how you feel about anything. how am i suppose to know whats going on with your life, or how you feel about anything. i know all your friends know but i dont. you wont even give me the time of day so i can listen to you. im sad bc i want you so bad. and i yes your my boyfriend but i dont have you any other way. your not just mine, your everyone else who give you the attention you want. the pretty girl in your homebase, the slut that tells you your hot. but what about me? the girl who tells you look beautiful everyday and the fact thats shes so happy with you, or that i would do anything for you, if you asked me too. why do you like girls who gives two shits about you. im here , what do i have to do just to get attention from you. do i have to be a body builder, loves to drink, doesnt care about shit. i dont want to have to be like that to want you to want me. i want you to love me bc im beautiful and i care, and i want to have a future and i have learned alot and im heading in a good direction and your proud of me. i want to be your everything, just like your my everything. i want you to be able to say i love you more than anything and actually mean it. i want you to be able to tell me things with out getting embarressed, bc thats what i think. i love you and all i want is for you to be happy. just please let me.

well my birthday is coming up in like 2 days and im excited but at the same time , im not really.  i dont know what is wrong with me its like i can never be happy and when i try it always turns out bad and then im even more sad then i was before i tried. lately ive been having really good days, me and my boyfriend are not fighting and ive been having fun but one little remark that he made, made me flip and now i feel so alone and lost. sometimes i wonder if i really am crazy. i dont think i am, but then again i dont know. my life right now feels like a dream and reality hasnt sunk in and im trying to live without worries. unfortunalty they surround me and i cant get away. i sit here and think about what i could have done to change the whole entire night, or the whole entire relationship. i feel like i come last and not first. im not worthy of being first i guess. oh thats right, im crazy. my whole life i have been blamed for things and i always think i cause the problem some way and it stresses me out. im not really sure what my future holds but i know that i want him in my life. the word space is overly used and soon it will have no meaning just like the word sorry.

Current Location: the floor.
Current Mood: discontent

well lately i have been really busy with getting everything ready for school and ive been so stressed. and then with that happening me and my boyfriend broke up for like 2 days because he felt that he wasnt getting enough time to hang out with his friends. and he barely hung out with me so i didnt really understand the whole point of that. but anyway were back together and we got into a fight last night over something so stupid. i really hate when we fight . because for some reason its always my fault and then i feel bad for doing whatever. ew right now i dont feel good and i hate this. im alone bc everyone is busy and i hate that i dont have a car. im really tired right now so i think im guna go take a nap.

Current Mood: blank
Current Music: baby dont go.